I initially wrote my story 5 years ago when I was still new to this little gig we call motherhood. I wrote my story to help chip away the stigma that is often the reason that women don’t ask for help in that first year when they are feeling so helpless. Even if just one new mommy who is feeling overwhelmed could understand that what she is feeling is temporary, that it does get better, and that she is not alone…it is worth it to share my experience. Postpartum depression rocked my world twice but I am proof that you will survive it no matter how dark your thoughts are, how sick you feel, and you WILL go on to be an AWESOME mommy!
MY STORY, originally published in 2011
As I celebrate my son’s 4th birthday this week and my daughter’s 2nd birthday next month, I also celebrate the amazing gift of motherhood. Always knowing that being a mom was the #1 goal of my life, I couldn’t understand why I was constantly crying after I brought my son home from the hospital. Baby blues quickly turned to full blown postpartum depression. Thoughts like, “What was I thinking when I wanted to have a baby,” “Am I ever going to have a conversation with my husband again,” and “I just want to be me again” raced through my head.
Feelings of shame, guilt, and fear felt like they were suffocating me. I even thought my son might be better off without me. I thank God for my wonderful friends, family, and doctors for getting me through my darkest moments. With therapy and medication I slowly got better and became the mother I so longed to be.
Two years later I delivered my beautiful baby girl and like a dark cloud drifting over me, my PPD was back. As I held my daughter in my hospital bed, I looked at my husband and said, “It’s back.” You would think it would be easier the second time but it was actually worse. I knew the scary thoughts…I had just lived them two years ago. “Why me” was all I could think this time.
Both bouts with PPD lasted about 2 months. I try not to dwell on those days as time lost with my babies, but as times that made me fight to be the mother I am today. I now know that there is no shame in having PPD, it wasn’t my fault that I got it, and with help you can get through it. Whether you or someone you know is going through PPD or any obstacle, remember you CAN get through it and are stronger than you think!